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fuzzybluemonkeys
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spn_bitesized is B-Movies, so I've been posting a lot of prompts (because I'm me). And then I wrote this in response to "Winchesters vs. Mad Cows":
Dean takes a big bite of his cheeseburger as if in defiance of what Sam has just told him, and asks around a mouthful of beef, "Since when is Mad Cow Disease our problem?"
"Since Mad Cow Disease does not turn cows into angry carnivores."
Dean swallows and gestures to his half-eaten burger, "Well I can't say I blame them for eating each other, they are delicious."
Sam rolls his eyes, "They're not eating each other, they're eating people."
Dean's mouth pauses in open bite position as he considers this, and then takes the bite anyway.
"Okay, but they're still cows, right? They don't have claws or fangs or anything. And they're certainly not fast, so we just shoot them and have a barbecue."
(A day's drive and several obnoxiously eaten beef-products later...)
"Of course we tried to shoot them!" the frustrated cattle farmer yells in exasperation, "The damn things just won't die! And look what they did to Harry!"
As if on cue the farmhand groans awake. He's being tended to by the local Veterinarian.
"The cows! They surrounded me!" Harry moans, "And they just wouldn't stop chewing!" He rouses enough to look at what's left of his arms and starts screaming.
Once the Vet has knocked poor Harry out again, the cattle farmer confides, "We were only able to get him out of there because-- well.. they stopped to chew the cud."
(Lots of wasted bullets and frantic fleeing later...)
"Okay, so basically, the cows surround their victim- and they're huge so you can't exactly shove them out of the way- and then they just start chewing you to death." Ray the cattle farmer nods in confirmation as Dean continues to speak into the phone, "we've tried regular bullets, silver bullets, even rock salt: it doesn't even faze them. Holy Water is useless. And it turns out cows can run pretty fast, who knew?"
There's silence on the other end of the call.
"Bobby, you there?"
"I'm here son."
"Well?"
"I've.. actually heard of something like this before," there's a long pause followed by a muttered, "I thought Rufus was shittin' me."
"Wait, so Rufus has hunted these Zombie Cows before?"
Sam looks up from his laptop in surprise.
"Yeah. According to him the only thing that works is blowing them the hell up."
"Okay, how do we do that?"
"You're in farm country, boy. Get some damn fertilizer!"
"Right. Thanks, Bobby." Dean flips the phone closed and peers over Sam's shoulder, "Are you seriously looking cows up on Wikipedia right now?"
"I thought it might be helpful," Sam responds tersely, "How did Rufus stop the cows before?"
"You got instructions for making a bomb on that thing?"
(A dead cattle farmer, a missing Vet, and several big-ass explosions later...)
"Man, I am starving! You know what I could really go for right now?"
"Don't even say it."
"One of those cows bit me, dude, I want some revenge!"
"Technically, you've eaten a lot more of them than they've eaten of you."
"I can't believe you're taking the cows' side."
spn_bitesized is B-Movies, so I've been posting a lot of prompts (because I'm me). And then I wrote this in response to "Winchesters vs. Mad Cows":Dean takes a big bite of his cheeseburger as if in defiance of what Sam has just told him, and asks around a mouthful of beef, "Since when is Mad Cow Disease our problem?"
"Since Mad Cow Disease does not turn cows into angry carnivores."
Dean swallows and gestures to his half-eaten burger, "Well I can't say I blame them for eating each other, they are delicious."
Sam rolls his eyes, "They're not eating each other, they're eating people."
Dean's mouth pauses in open bite position as he considers this, and then takes the bite anyway.
"Okay, but they're still cows, right? They don't have claws or fangs or anything. And they're certainly not fast, so we just shoot them and have a barbecue."
(A day's drive and several obnoxiously eaten beef-products later...)
"Of course we tried to shoot them!" the frustrated cattle farmer yells in exasperation, "The damn things just won't die! And look what they did to Harry!"
As if on cue the farmhand groans awake. He's being tended to by the local Veterinarian.
"The cows! They surrounded me!" Harry moans, "And they just wouldn't stop chewing!" He rouses enough to look at what's left of his arms and starts screaming.
Once the Vet has knocked poor Harry out again, the cattle farmer confides, "We were only able to get him out of there because-- well.. they stopped to chew the cud."
(Lots of wasted bullets and frantic fleeing later...)
"Okay, so basically, the cows surround their victim- and they're huge so you can't exactly shove them out of the way- and then they just start chewing you to death." Ray the cattle farmer nods in confirmation as Dean continues to speak into the phone, "we've tried regular bullets, silver bullets, even rock salt: it doesn't even faze them. Holy Water is useless. And it turns out cows can run pretty fast, who knew?"
There's silence on the other end of the call.
"Bobby, you there?"
"I'm here son."
"Well?"
"I've.. actually heard of something like this before," there's a long pause followed by a muttered, "I thought Rufus was shittin' me."
"Wait, so Rufus has hunted these Zombie Cows before?"
Sam looks up from his laptop in surprise.
"Yeah. According to him the only thing that works is blowing them the hell up."
"Okay, how do we do that?"
"You're in farm country, boy. Get some damn fertilizer!"
"Right. Thanks, Bobby." Dean flips the phone closed and peers over Sam's shoulder, "Are you seriously looking cows up on Wikipedia right now?"
"I thought it might be helpful," Sam responds tersely, "How did Rufus stop the cows before?"
"You got instructions for making a bomb on that thing?"
(A dead cattle farmer, a missing Vet, and several big-ass explosions later...)
"Man, I am starving! You know what I could really go for right now?"
"Don't even say it."
"One of those cows bit me, dude, I want some revenge!"
"Technically, you've eaten a lot more of them than they've eaten of you."
"I can't believe you're taking the cows' side."
